Gaia Community: Thea's Blog

Drill, baby, drill

http://theamat.gaia.com — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:40:33 GMT

This is the anthem that has the republican base chanting in unison? Why? I'm not seeing the big picture here.

Or perhaps I am, on a smaller scale - Alaska. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a governor or a senator) to see that bringing oil drilling to Alaska is bringing money into many families there;  families that feel they need a break, after all. They want to prosper and the best and most efficient way to do that is to open up Alaska for drilling and bring in the money to do it from our collective national wallet. It's understandable. Inefficient and totally wreckless, but understandable.

Let me segway here and call a spade a spade. The only reason Palin is on the ticket is to get that all important sound bite and push this agenda. I can smell a soundbite of the day from a mile off and she's had some pretty good ones. Can Obama really attack her? No. He can't treat her like she's at the top of the ticket, but she can snipe as much as possible with a smile on her face. Believe me, I understand, McCain's playing the politic game. I really thought better of him until now, but that's another blog for another time. The point is, no matter how good she looks in lipstick, It doesn't mask the greater issue - should we be talking hockey or about whether it's wise to put money into more oil in our own back yard?

Wouldn't it be much more reasonable to go over to alternative an renewable energy resources now? to put all that tax money to finding new and efficient ways to power all of our gadgets and gizmos? There is not enough oil to last us anyway, why bother? Oh, so we can end our dependency on the middle east? Aren't we already IN the middle east? That would have been a great idea - about ten years ago when we weren't so ENTRENCHED in the middle east. - just not billions of dollars later.

So the basic premise from the republican platform as I understand it is this - go to the middle east, cause some havoc, cut all of our international ties to play cowboys and indians, spend all our money, then say we don't need what they got and then cause some more havoc over here by electing a beauty queen vice president, spending more money on oil platforms that may add to our problem of global warming and make MY state and coastal city, along with a whole bunch of ther cities on the east and west coast uninhabitable, so that Alaskans can go ice fishing with a full bank account?!?  COME ON!!!! Really?!?

Look, let me put it to you this way - there is an opportunity for drilling in Alaska. There is further opportunity for jobs in Alaska, fiscal growth, etc.... but what about the other coastal areas? Should New York, Miami, Louisianna and every other coastal city just suck it up and watch as our communities drown so that the Alaskans can have their fiscal growth?

50 years, people. That's the current projection for the melt down. To put it in a much more direct analogy - picture you have 50 years to live. You have 50 candy bars. For every candy bar you bite into, you take off one year of life. How many do you plan to eat? None? Just one won't hurt? Well, that's how I feel about drilling.   It will most definately hurt us in the long run. If we want energy independence, we need the discipline for it, not more of the oil that has gotten us into the global warming predicament that we've known about since the 1930's.

And, on the heels of Governor Palin swooping back into Alaska and giving her speech (for a second time) here is a headline from the Herald Tribune: SEX, DRUG USE AND GRAFT ALLEGED IN US INTERIOR DEPARTMENT

" As Congress prepares to debate expansion of drilling in taxpayer owned coastal waters, the Interior Department agency that collects oil and gas royalties has been caught up in a wide ranging ethics scandal including allegations of financial self dealing, accepting gifts from energy companies, cocaine use and sexual misconduct."

Oil people and government literally in bed together? Guess this gives a new meaning to "drill baby drill."

So sorry guys, but I'm not bending over for easy access on this one.

Tags: drilling, oil, rant, cogitations, politics, obama, palin, alaska, global warming

On falling off wagons

http://theamat.gaia.com — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:16:04 GMT

I haven't been back to Gaia to record my thoughts for about a month now. Thankfully, all of my friends here seem to have gotten along well without me present and I hope you are all doing well.

I haven't been as wonderful as I'd like. I've let my shadow run amuck in ways that it has not in a very long time and have been working through some issues that have to do with my teenage years. Although I have not felt the stinging pain of those years for quite some time, I was recently and abruptly reminded that all of my shadow, all of my angst, all of my suffering is still very present in me and waits for an opportunity to show itself when ignored.

And I have been doing a large bit of ignoring. I had quit my meditation practice because I thought I was doing just fine. I had quite my introspection because of how busy I was. I had quit being me because I was too busy being me.

When I was 16 years old, I sat across from my father at our kitchen table and felt the full force of his dissapointment in me. And today, 20 years later, I still feel that dissapointment. I still feel the ache from hurting a man who is a gentle person, although misguided, and did not deserve the pain he suffered for my behavior. I've, apparently, not finsihed blaming myself for this strife in my life and it has opened me up to unconciously seeking more guilt and strife in my life through the years. I never saw the pattern - I do now.

The funny thing is, even if someone had pointed out the pattern directly to me, I would not have been able to see or accept it until now. I've been running on empty for so long - I've felt guilt, remorse, an array of self loathing and constant self deprication for so long that I forgot to forgive myself. I still can't, not fully and completely. It is ironic to me that I have so much compassion for so many others, but I cannot seem to have that compassion for myself. I cannot bring myself to forgive that girl of 16, nor can I fully forgive the woman of 36.

My errors are great and numerous. I need the time to seek out those parts of myself that I have disowned or hidden away. My husband said my shadow was like a closet to full to open. I could crack it open to see what's inside, but, inevitibly, all of the emotion will come tumbling out when I do. It will be difficult, but I will take it day by day.

I'm going back to INTEGRAL work. I've begun my meditaion again, daily. I will work on my shadow in hopes of being better for myself and those around me.

Although I speak to the general congregation of Gaia when I write these words, it is mostly to the great void that I speak, to reaffirm my conviction, or what little conviction I can muster. It must be enough.

Song for the day:

Limbo no more
Alanis Morrisette

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite

Nothings been clear
Nothings been in
Nothings felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more.

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
all the more feels indefinite.

I sit with filled frames
ant books and my dogs at my feet
my friends by my side
my past in a heap
thrown out most of my things
only kept what I need to carve
something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
my teachers in heart
my house is a home
something at last I can feel a part of
sense of myself
my purpose is clear
my roots in the ground
something at last I can feel a part of
something aligned
to finally commit
somewhere to belong
I'm ready to be limbo no more
my wisdom applied
a firm foundation
a vow to myself
I'm ready to be limbo no more.

Tags: cogitaiton, shadow, reflection, guilt, forgiveness

Birthday blogging

http://theamat.gaia.com — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:54:08 GMT

If there is a day that should be marked on every blog, it's one's birthday. This is the most opportune time to reflect on life, birth, death, all that good stuff....

So why am I so blase on my birthday?!? I've gotten a happy birthday from everyone - and I mean everyone. I even got a birthday card from my local music station 101.5. And I don't listen to the radio.... weird.

So, I'll succumb to fate and talk about my birthday. Actually, no.... I don't want to talk about my birth... I was there, I'm sure of it, but it's all so fuzzy. Let's start with a short description of my childhood. Today, I was thinking about being 6 - roughly 30 years ago today, I was getting ready to enter first grade. This wasn't kindergarten.... This was the big time. I was going to start REAL school. I don't remember caring for it much. I remember watching the younger kindergarteners get snack times and nap times and T.V. times... I was stuck with a pencil, a bunch of notebooks that got lost weekly, and some wierd thing called "home work" that my parents insisted I do.

Life hasn't changed much.

I have a real job. I'm still stuck with a pencil in my hand, papers that get lost weekly and, yes, I still get, and procrastinate, with homework. I'm still fighting the good fight for those naps and snacks, though.

OOOOOHHH.... I got birthday balloons....With lollipops. I never get birthday balloons, what a treat! Let the snacking and the napping commence! Maybe I'll throw in a little TV watching for good measure. I wonder if Mr Rogers is on. Ah, I'll settle for Big Bird.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: cogitations, birthday

Nostalgia

http://theamat.gaia.com — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 01:01:36 GMT

Life is full of shoulda, coulda, woulda moments. The precious few moments that we share on this planet are filled with regrets. I don't see this as such a bad thing. For one thing, I have many things in my life that I do not regret, and without that regret I would have nothing to compare to my high points.... but lately I've been feeling like my high points could be so much higher if I "coulda, shoulda, woulda" done something different with my time.

This reality forces my hand constantly. I feel the weight in what I do, I don't want one more moment wasted on regret. Even the act of regretting, the time spent on it, is too much for me to spare. I'm 36 years old. I have all of my regrets to date well cataloged and I have done my lamenting for them. I have decided, as of this moment, to have less regret, to be more frugal with my train of thought, to be more of what I intend to be.

My thoughts are with you guys, know I haven't been by much lately to Gaia.... but my mind has taken a detour.... it happens.

My song for the day:

Phil Collins
All of my life

All of my life, Ive been searching
For the words to say how I feel.
Id spend my time thinking too much
And leave too little to say what I mean
Ive tried to understand the best I can
All of my life.

All of my life, Ive been saying sorry
For the things I know I should have done
All the things I could have said come back to me
Sometimes I wish that it had just begun
Seems Im always that little too late
All of my life

Set em up, Ill take a drink with you
Pull up a chair, I think Ill stay
Set em up, cos Im going nowhere
Theres too much I need to remember, too much I need to say

All of my life, Ive been looking
But its hard to find the way
Reaching past the goal in front of me
While whats important just slips away
It doesnt come back but Ill be looking
All of my life

Set em up...

All of my life, there have been regrets
That I didnt do all I could
Making records upstairs, while he watched tv
I didnt spend the time I should
Its a memory I will live with
All of my life.

Tags: phil collins, cogitations, life, nostalgia, regret

Thank Gaia

http://theamat.gaia.com — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:24:37 GMT

It's been a while since I was reminded of my good fortune, stumbling onto Zaadz/Gaia when I did. I was recently emailed to re-establish my ambassador status for Gaia and I am so happy that I was given the opportunity in the first place because this is really the best site for bloggers that I've ever been on.

In recent headlines today, I read about a young girl who commit suicide after being victimized by a "cyber bully", a woman who friended this young, impressionable girl, masquerading as a 16 year old boy, only to reject her.

I shudder to think what her parents must be feeling right now. I wish she had been here instead of myspace. I cannot imagine that happening here on Gaia, ever. This is the only place online where I don't feel hassled to buy, spammed to death, where I think my kids will be safe and enjoy the comraderie, etc.

I recently heard a similar, but not as drastic, story from my 19 year old ward - (yes, I actually have a ward, isn't that wierd?) She has a myspace account too. She was friends with someone she met at a job. My friend and this girl had some sort of fight and eventually it degenerated into this other person writing false accusations on her myspace account and posting my ward's picture and giving personal information about her with a link to HER page. Isn't that terrible? I can't imagine doing that to someone, embarrasing them, making them feel so victimized. It's a harsh cyber-reality, I suppose, I am just happy that it's not reality here.

I wanted to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU GUYS for being such great people and making this place, this small community online, where we can discuss, explore and be the change. I implore you - Invite more people of like mind. Make more friends. Bring in young people, because they will learn from our example of comraderie and friendship and will not be victimized out there in cyberspace.

My thoughts and emotions go out to the girl's family and to the woman who victimized her.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: myspace, cyberbully, gaia

Reflections on Earth Day

http://theamat.gaia.com — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:07:33 GMT

Ok, so it's Earth day. Every April 22nd since the 70's, there has been an Earthday.... This isn't exactly new, although it is, relatively speaking, very young compared to some of our other annual celebrations - for example, the 4th of July in the U.S. has been celebrated for over 200 years - Earth day for a whopping 38 years.

I was born in the 70's, so you would think that I would know alot more about Earthday, but sadly, it's not the kind of holiday we're used to 'celebrating' through large displays of consumerism, so most of us are at a loss. It's more like an annual reminder to think of something other than our own lives, work, bank accounts, etc.... how many people do you know who like to do that?

Christmas is like that too: peace on earth, goodwill toward man - at least for this 24 hour period on December 25th. You can be mean to someone tomorrow when you return that plasma t.v. at your local department store without a receipt. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get the point.

The original Earth Day concept was the brainchild of Gaylord Nelson, a US Senator of Wisconson and the concept was to start a grassroots demonstration for the environment. Here's a clip I got from the Wiki article I read this morning:

Five months before the first April 22 Earth Day, on Sunday, November 30 1969, the New York Times carried a lengthy article by Gladwin Hill reporting on the rising tide of environmental events:
"Rising concern about the environmental crisis is sweepeing the nation's campuses with an intensity that may be on its way to eclipsing student discontent over the war in Vietnam..."

So here's my question: What happened to all those grass roots people? Am I just imagining things, or did this whole 'sweeping the nation' thing escape my attention? I learned about Vietnam in school, I've seen movies and pictures, the feeling about it was (and still is) a very young scar. However, I have spoken to quite a few people this morning, and truth to be told, not one of them knows it's Earth Day.

Can you imagine forgetting Easter? Christmas? A loved one's birthday? I can't even use the excuse of "well it's only been around for 38 years...." I've been around for less and I remember my birthday, my kids birthday, I remember all the other holidays.... What gives? Sure, we've had concerts in the park and alot more education on global climate, but our current problems in the U.S. are starting to mount - water shortages, increase in destructive weather, pollution, suburban sprawl, etc. I don't think I'm being overly negative here, I can see that America is using more not less. And we're complaining about it too! Anyone talk about gas prices today? I know I did.

I think Earth day needs a custom.... You know, a tradition of sorts. Christmas, we put up the lights, Thanksgiving we eat a turkey, birthdays we get stuff.... But none of these things seem to fit with the entire point of Earthday. We celebrate things by consuming more things. Wouldn't it be appropriat to choose NOT to consume something?

We can treat this like a New Years Eve thing where we all choose one "thing" to really cut out, like fast food, 1 hour of tv a day for this year, less paper at the office, recycling, that type of thing.

I went to the Earth Day "official site" and it said the best thing to do today is to call my local representatives to bring attention to climate change. That's a start, I suppose. But I think that having a more personal and sacrificial gesture is in order. Events and volunteer opportunities are great, but how about just shutting off the water? The T.V.? The computer? How about REALLY making an effort to recycle some of your stuff?

Here's a cool little site that I was sent to this morning, and I love the concept.... The Freecycle Network is a website where you can meet up with other people to trade stuff. Not buy stuff, trade stuff. "It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills".

How's that for a start this year? Get reused stuff. Don't go to the store and get more of what you don't need. Save your money. Save the gas. Save the desk that some guy doesn't have room for and save the planet in the process. One less purchase at the discount store means one less product processed, one less piece of product to toss out.

Here's the deal - All these factories and cars and homes and conveniences run on the fuel we provide through consuming it. We fuel it all - And as long as we keep fueling it, it will continue to grow, like a tumor. Pretty soon, the only thing that there wil be room for is all the stuff we keep producing. All I'm asking everyone to do it go to this site and sign up for Earth Day and the next time you think you need something, go there first. That's it.

Anyway, that's my two cents. I hope I get change back from you this time. Comment, comment, and please comment.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: Freecycle Network, Earth Day, Earth Week, Cogitations, environment

Did you flush today?

http://theamat.gaia.com — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:03:51 GMT

Ok, so I'm assuming that we all went to the bathroom at some point today, and after watching shows like National Geographic's Human Footprint and reading magazines on global warming, I am now seeing a much bigger picture of what it means to leave a footprint on the Earth.... and I did not realize how much of a footprint I'm personally leaving on my favorite environment - the ocean and coral reefs.

Here's a whopper of a factoid - 7500 gallons of water is used per household per month in Florida. That's an average of 250 gallons a day PER HOUSE. Anyone who's ever been to Florida knows that this is the suburb capital. Between the track housing and the high rise condos, there are alot of toilets in this area. And most of us never stop to think what happens to that water when we flush, when we brush our teeth, when we take a shower.... but can we, the already financially strapped citizens of Florida afford to fix this? Can we afford NOT to fix this?

I've posted to two discussion groups on this issue because, bottom line, we're either going to kill ourselves with pollution or we're going to kill ourselves from the financial strain of fixing this particular problem Check out South Florida Gaia or Climate Change. You can comment here or comment on the pods - but please comment.

Tags: water, pollution, florida, ocean, reefs, Earth day, Earth Week

The charge of cogitation

http://theamat.gaia.com — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:23:21 GMT

This morning I was reminded, in no uncertain terms, that it is my duty and responsibility to think of ways of making the world a little better, a little safer. I was having a conversation with my husband about my thoughts about life and the continuation of life in the universe, even should the worst happen and the asteroid hit, the supervolcano erupt, the global climate finally break down to destroy all that has been built so far to date.... This is getting a little gloomy, let me elaborate.

Let me go on record as saying that I'm not an optimist. It's in my personality to think of the worst case scenario in any given situation and run with it. It comes from being told from a very early age that the world will come to an end within my lifetime and truly believing that until my early twenties. Yes, my upbringing was strange. I've often been told it's a miracle I'm as well adjusted as I pretend to be.

Anyway, since I discovered things like cable and National Geographic, I've been fascinated with learning about all the different ways the earth could be destroyed. I'm sure many other people have this particular hobby, all of you crazy nihilist out their raise your hands. Yes, I know you're out there, come on, you can admit it. Ok, so I'm a weirdo, but this type of thinking occupies my mind often. I've tried to treat it the way a samurai would, looking at all the ways it could all end and being ok with it. I mean, what can I do about an asteroid? If it happens, it happens.

So you can imagine my surprise at having a different seed planted in my mind this morning from such an unlikely source as my husband, who's known me for ten years (you get so used to people, you don't expect to have them surprise you with things you didn't think about before). He said that it would be a moral failureof the human race to allow our own extinction given the level of intellect we possess. If we can build bombs, rocket ships, submarines, airplanes, etc., we should be concentrating on all of these problems of extinction, finding ways to divert asteroids, study magma chambers and curing the common cold. He is much more intelligent in his speech, so it only took half the car ride for him to convince my stubborn brain to cooperate. I was surprised that he firmly believes this... and to some extent, I do too, although I have my doubts that the human race can pull it out of the hat.

It is somewhat disturbing to me that my lack of faith in my fellow man runs very deep. I hear so much talk going on, but I know that people, in general, are so stuck in their own worlds of drama, t.v. and junk food that they literally won't know what hit them. And despite my own high minded ideals, I find my own lack of action as irredeemable as everyone else's lack of forethought. Yes, I take the time to think about these things, but what, in fact, am I doing? I'm not building a fusion generator or a CO2 collector. I'm not out searching for a cure for cancer. I'm not an astronomer looking for super asteroids. I'm not studying tectonic plates. Sure, I KNOW all of this stuff, but what am I doing with it?

And then I'm reminded of what I can do. I can talk about it with people. I can make them see it with me. I can transmit all of this stuff, this trivia of knowledge, to anyone who wants to listen or read. I can think, as thinking leads to the doing. Kind of a precursor, but you get the idea. Yes, to some extent, I'm an armchair activist. I sit here and think about everything from animal sociology to the movement of the stars.... but that has it's purpose too.

Who else is going to do it, if not me? and some day, maybe an idea will come that will be put to good application in the greater community, if I am brave enough to follow through by example. Perhaps my best goal it to get people to just THINK.

But how does one create a grass roots movement to get people really thinking and learning? I know most of the people reading this think already, it's the nature of a small group of intellectuals that makes places like Gaia exist. How do we spread this infection of thinking? How do we get to the 75% of people who are content to sit at home have nothing to do with thinking? I see it happen when I talk to people. No matter how impassioned the speech, how interesting the concepts, all they hear is "yada, yada, yada" and it's back to Nieman Marcus and the latest Survivor episode.

I guess I'll have to think about this some more; lately I've felt very much like I've been preaching to the choir.... I'd like to expand the area of like minded people to those who believe they have nothing better to think about.

I just have to maintain faith that we can figure it out before the asteroid hits Yellowstone and we're all screwed.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: cogitations, extinction, morality

More thoughts on the Tao

http://theamat.gaia.com — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 23:50:21 GMT

In reading the Tao today, I had certain thoughts come to me that I did not want to escape through common daily activities and it occurred to me to write them down, as it often does…..And I asked myself, why? Why am I writing all of this down? Although it’s rare of me to review my journaling and be surprised at the person who is writing these thoughts down at the time they were being written, it does not occur to me review my journals often enough to call it a habit. Regardless, I feel a need to write down all of these little insights, in hopes that someone will get some use from them someday. I’m sure that most writers feel this way sometimes, carefully addressing their imaginary public, hoping that someone will be able to benefit from their honest, but sometimes inane, ponderings. If that weren’t the case, we wouldn’t have things like books, newspapers, magazines and, as luck would have it, bloggs and the Tao.

My reading of the Tao has become a habit of sorts. I come home and sit next to my bedroom window and contemplate what the words mean to me specifically. I’m not brash enough to believe that I would understand anyone else’s meaning on anything, regardless of the content, as I accept as true that most communication is largely intuitive. In other words, I don’t expect to be able to really understand anything the first time because all things that are communicated to me are sent through what I like to call the “Thea” filter. I see all things through the lens of my own experience of them; therefore, before I truly understand something I need to understand the context of how it is presented. That being the case, I can assure you that I have only a most BASIC understanding of the Tao. I say this to placate my sense of self deprecation, but also to be more aware of my openness to new ideas and widening the lens of my experience. I invite you to open up your understanding of these words with me.

This is the verse I felt the need to share with you:

25.
There was Something undefined and yet complete in itself,
Born before Heaven and Earth.
Silent and boundless,
Standing alone without change,
Yet pervading all without fail,
It may be regarded as the Mother of the world.
I do not know its name’
I style it “Tao”;
And, in the absence of a better word, call it “The Great”.

To be great is to go on,
To go on is to be far,
To be far is to return.

Hence, “Tao is great,
Heaven is great,
Earth is great,
King is great.”
Thus, the king is one of the great four in the Universe.

Man follows the ways of the Earth.
The Earth follows the ways of Heaven,
Heaven follows the ways of the Tao,
Tao follows its own ways.

Three times I read this. Three times it confused me and thrilled my mind, made me seek out all of my ideas and concepts of God, all of my needs and desires for things that make me feel “good”, my fear of all things that are painful and “bad”; all of my thoughts bent on the why of things, the why of wanting to leave my words for someone or something to see and hear, the URGE to transmit all of my experience and knowledge to some other – WHAT IS THAT?!?! Tao. Just Tao. It is the great wanting to be great, to know itself fully and completely to want to see through all other lenses as clearly as my own, to want to polish the lens of my own experience to see through all that I’ve used to cloud that lens, all of my emotional torments and pleasures. And the pursuit of all this is hopelessly flawed, as there is no one being that I will ever physically point to and say – see, they are all knowing….. Unless I finally admit that those who know are like me and they don’t know, they are just aware that they’re not going to know and ok with the not knowing. Beyond our little minds, there is so much more that grows and thinks and sees beyond ourselves, and that which is also call Tao, God, All, Allah, Whatever…..knows and remembers all because we are part of that which is called Tao and we remember and are remembered by others.

I know, I’m rambling. But, at least I will look back on this entry, when I’m feeling like communicating with myself, and say…..well, I guess I’ll have to find out what I’ll say later, because I can’t think that far ahead. But it’ll be interesting.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: Tao, cogitations, journaling

Killer's Paradise

http://theamat.gaia.com — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:39:32 GMT

Last night I saw a documentary that I want to share with you all.

The name of the documentary is Killer's Paradise. The documentary details the horrors faced by women in Guatemala. Shockingly explicit, so if you do have the opportunity to watch this documentary, please be advised to bring your kleenex. We're talking about women cut, maimed, decapitated.... and nothing is being done. These women are being thrown away as prostitutes and gang members - even as young as 12.

Two women are killed in Guatemala DAILY. The population of Guatemala is only about 15,000, if memory serves.  Not one of the killers has been jailed. there is no recourse for the family of the victims because none of the crimes are followed up. Your daughter could be standing out on the street in broad daylight and be kidnapped before your eyes - and the police will not be able to track down the killers.

Unbelievable, I could not believe it, until I saw the families of the victims talk about this. They cried over the graves and caskets, asked god to take them and leave their children. I was so enthralled and yet so heartbroken.

I'd like to invite as many people as possible to watch this documentary and comment especially all of you hispanic women out there. You cannot watch this and not be affected by the stories. It's on the documentary channel all next month. Please follow the link for times in your area. OR alternatively, if you don't have cable, try Netflix - they always have documentaries.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: Guatemala, murder, women, cogitations

My Patron Evita

http://theamat.gaia.com — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:22:37 GMT

I have two sisters. It's strange to me, calling them sisters. My family and I have been estranged for many years and being that I do not really know much about my sisters anymore, nor of their children, it seems to me that they should fall into a less familial category. But they are still my sisters, to this day. They are the children that I grew up with, we share DNA, parents, the same latin temperament that I keep complaining about, etc.

I don't think on them often, not out of choice but out of habit. It's my mind's way of keeping on point. You can't over agonize the past without having it haunt your present, and anything that is their subconciously is going to be a problem anyway, so I may as well let it come up when it feels like it. This morning I awoke from a very strange and disturbing dream about dying pet sharks and buckets and going back to school.... never mind. The point is that when those types of dreams occur, when I wake up feeling that sense of unrest, I try to pay attention to what my mind plays with during the day. And this morning, it's been playing with Evita.

I've never seen the movie or the play. That's another irony of my life, growing up in New York, the theatre capital of the world, and not seeing this play. I know the lyrics of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" from a 70's disco remake that I listened to as a kid. I loved that record. That is the version that has been playing on a loop in my head all morning. I tried to remember the words, but I couldn't recall them, just this awful 70's disco beat pounding in my temples.

Words are so important, they slide into your mind like silverfish looking for cold dark places to hide, especially in childhood, and most securly through song and rhyme. I could only remember snippets, but It reminded me of being very young, of brown shag carpets, tube televisions, fried pork chops, New York City on the East River, and - my sisters.

By this point in the thinking process, I knew I was on to something, a connection between myself, my sisters, and the song I remembered from so long ago. I took a dive into my subconciouse, googled the lyrics and voila - now I know why my mind is restless.

To Brenda & Ivette: This song is dedicated to my sisters, who are estranged from me physically, but not from my heart and mind. We will always be sisters. I love you both very much, even though you are not here to say the same or to share in mutual trials and triumphs. I hope these words will seep in and hide in your minds as they have mine.

Dont Cry For me Argentina

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I've done.

You won't believe me.
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she's dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you.

I had to let it happen, I had to change.
Couldn't stay all my life down at heal
Looking our of the window, staying our of the sun

So I chose freedom
Running around, trying everything new
but nothing impressed me at all.
I never expected it to.

Don't cry for me Argentina.
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence.
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance.

And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired.

They are illusions.
They are not the solutions they promised to be.
The answer was here all the time.
I love you and hope you love me.

Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true.

Namaste
Thea/Eva

Tags: sisters, estrangement, evita, cogitations

Miami Mama

http://theamat.gaia.com — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Photo: Fathom by Michael Turner, a comic book god!

Here are some lyrics from our very own resident Songwritergenius at Gaia.com! I've never had a song written for me before, so I'm quite flattered by this little number. I'm hearing a meshed sound between RHCP & Black Eyed Peas.... Anyway, I want to dedicate this song to all the pretty mamas out there - Miami to Cali. Feel like Venus today, you deserve it! Namaste!

Pretty Miami Mama

Pretty Miami Mama
Lying upon the water
I am the sun in your eyes
When you hear my guitar play
It makes me wanna say
Pretty Miami Mama rise

Pretty Miami Mama
Soft upon the water
I know you are there
Kinda silky is your hair
And beautiful brown eyes
You put music in my song
And my lyrics turn you on
Pretty Miami Mama rise

And it's your morning to rise
Take a look in my eyes
Com on pretty Miami Mama

Pretty Miami Mama
Lying upon the water
I am the moon in your eyes
Around me are the clouds
I adore you in the crowds
Hey pretty Miami Mama rise

And it's your swee time to rise
Take a look in my eyes
come on pretty Miami Mama

---Joe Osborn
Songwritergenius

Tags:

Would be good

http://theamat.gaia.com — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:29:01 GMT

I have a very emotional response to stress. It's bothered me for a long time. I've found remedies for it, but some days....some days, I throw logic and reason and meditation and self help books out the window and just go a little nutty.

I attack first. Gut the poor bastard down, before he/she/it has a chance to know what's coming; It's a response that has been so natural for so long that it is very difficult to turn off. Consequently, I'm a horrible defender. If I can't attack, I will just lay prone like a jellyfish on the beach and let myself be stepped on because I probably deserve it. This horribly twisted fight or flight response has been a sore spot for me. I've broken the habit, somewhat, but every once in a while, I just can't seem to control my anger enough. I see red, blood red. Anything and anyone I come into contact with is fair game. It's on days like this that I really can't stand being me.

Emotions cloud reason. Being this angry of a person is very confusing to everyone, even me. It's like someone lighting you on fire after tarring you and asking "where does it hurt?" EVERYWHERE. I'm not just angry about any ONE thing. There are a pleathora of things to be angry about. I suppress my anger. I don't engage it; I won't even acknowledge it; I behave civilized and stuff it way down.... Until the last straw comes floating ever so gently to break that camel's back and then it's "OH, RIGHT, WELL EXCUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME FOR BREATHING. YOU PEOPLE SUCK! ALL OF YOU!"

So silly, right? I've been angry and stressed all morning, all evening last night, for reasons that I keep to myself every other day, for things that normally don't bother me. I'll explain my anger away, saying - oh, look at the calendar, friendly monthly's coming next week, that must be it; (or) you know, I just didn't get enough sleep; (or) I haven't been keeping up with my meditation this week; (or) I'm just a little down because of (insert excuse here). But the fact of the matter is, I'm angry because I have reasons shoved down somewhere to be angry about, or what some like to call "shadow". And, even though I feel horrible about it, that doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me dysfunctional. It makes me a person with baggage - just like everybody else.

Last night, my spouse read me an article about Mother Teresa's memoirs that are being publised (look for it in What Is Enlightenment magazine) - it seems that for a great part of the time, even towards the end of her life, Mother Teresa, one of the most famous humanitarians in the world, had issues with faith, had doubt, had remorse, had all of those things that we mere humans don't think apply to our heros. Well, anyone who's ever read a hero comic book can tell you, that just ain't so.

I suppose the moral of the story is, I'm not perfect - but I'm still good. I still would be good, despite all of my problems and frustrations, ups and downs. I just have to repeat it now and again. So do we all.

Namaste
Thea

Song of the day:
That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was not longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you.

Tags: good, anger, cogitations

Cogitating

http://theamat.gaia.com — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 15:03:50 GMT

One of the most frequent comments I get when getting an email or friend invitation on Zaadz (oops, sorry, GAIA) is "I love that title - Cogitator"; which I find horribly flattering, but also am a bit confused by. After all, I didn't make up the word, I just applied it as a philosophy. I think alot. I've always been that person who just floats away on a breeze somewhere in mid conversation, mid movie, mid "oh look, a bird!".... I daydream constantly. It's quite annoying, really, unless it's applied to something useful. Hence, I took up meditation.

I've found out so many little truths about myself just by being alone and talking to myself. Yes, I admit freely that I not only talk to myself, I make up people to talk to, I talk to mock audiences in my head - I resonate with Truman when Jim Carey does that little space man skit in the mirror. I've done that too. I'm completely narcissistic, I admit that freely to anyone who gets to know me, and I make no apologies for it. I'm just being honest, after all. I did this in childhood and it stuck with me as a tool in adulthood. And I don't mind that people think I'm a little nuts, these little things about myself help me to really "know" myself. I spend TIME with myself because, frankly, I like me and I'd like to get to know me better.

I love getting to know other people, I love "knowing" other people. That moment when you speak to someone and there is that little "click", even though you don't know why, you are attracted to this person. It's not just a physical thing, there are many types of people I've done this with: kids, old people, young people, you just "know". With both of my two best friends, with every x boyfriend, with everyone who I've let stick around, even people I've parted company with years ago, there is that little "click" that I remember upon first "knowing" them, knowing that they changed something in me and me in them.

Bringing this back to myself and thinking - this is the little rush I get by knowing myself. The click. Man, it is addictive - No stellar body, no deep chasm of ocean, no other being is more mysterious to you than yourself. This is how I can spend an hour on a Saturday morning. I'll sit in my room and just - think. Alone. No distractions. What do I think about? Today, I just gravitated towards doing this little mock dialog thing in my head, like I was giving a lecture to an audience. And I just mentally talked this out - I have to work on comics today. Why am I having so much trouble with this? Why am I afraid to do this? Why do I want to succeed at this? I don't like what I currently do and I want a change. Why don't you like what you currently do? It's not what I'm "supposed" to be doing... I suppose I'm supposed to be drawing. Why? Well, because I have talent... Says who? Well everybody. But not the people that will give you the work. None of them have said it. Why? Well, you really haven't shown them you can do this. Why? Well I've been busy... working. So that they'll notice. Even though I don't show them anything. Because I'm scared of this. Why? Afraid of failure, I suppose. I want the people who believe I have talent to be right. I want my parents to be right. Why? Why is it important that your parents are right, that you have talent, that this is what you should do with your life? Well, if they're right, and I am worth all this, then they will be proud and sorry that they left me......

At which point I stop and deal with the simple fact that in my deepest mind, buried somewhere underneath making money, watching National Geographic channel and obsessing over my weight and youth, I still have abandonment issues. See? No shrink required. I just had to sit down and have a little convo with myself. The TRICK of course, is to do this without totally falling apart. The first few times I did this (about 4 or 5 years ago) it always devolved to me either distracting myself quickly with food, tv, sex or inibriation, OR crying in my pillow like a four year old who's pet hamster died - The kind of cry that happens explosively but only lasts about an hour and is forgotten when something else comes by to distract you. Now, after much practice, I can feel the momentary pain of it, but I can remove my emotional attachment to it, look at it from all angles, and rationalize the emotion to better understand myself. If all of my hang ups about success are wrapped up in abandonment, I can see where that is irrational because although I may feel abandonment in many walks of my life, no amount of success in comics or any other profession I've fantasized about will erase it. Therefore, I can now cut that link in my mind and freely pursue my life without the fear of failure or of success. Now, I can draw a picture. Now I can focus on working for the joy of it rather than the outcome.

This may not be novel to you. This may seem like old hat to you, maybe you do it all the time yourself. Maybe you did it when you were a kid, but forgot as an adult. Maybe you have more disciplined ways to think, something I try to hone and define every day through academic study. Maybe you're thinking - this chick is cracked and she needs therapy... why did I friend her again?

Here is my philosophy - Perseverence, justice, temperance, fortitude, prudence, wisdom - all of these things can come only with thinking rather than just feeling. This is why I cogitate, why I endorse it and wholeheartedly take part in it - because I love myself enough to know myself fully and can thereby know more people. And believe me, I do want to "know" you. Perhaps I will not know you today or when we first meet. Some people, although you try, you can never get to know because of mental blocks in their or your minds. But that will never stop me from trying. Because to know thyself, to know all people and things is divine. And that is the path that I've chosen - to know the divine in life. What better reason is there to be living?

Namaste
Thea

Tags: namaste, meditation, cogitations, thinking

Who the heck is Stanley Spadowski?

http://theamat.gaia.com — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 15:15:23 GMT

In a recent email, a new friend commented on my list of teachers, asking me "who is Stanley Spadowski?"

Who is Stanley Spadowski?!? OMIGOD! He's like the end all, be all of janitorial philosophy. He's my hero and my teacher because even in a stupid 80's movie, I find enlightenment. Don't believe me? This weekend, go out and rent UHF.... Yes, the one with Wierd Al Yankovic. I don't pretend that Wierd Al is a guru of any sort, believe me.... damn funny though. BUT, STANLEY.... He has a monolog in the movie that I find inspiring. It goes like this:

This is my new mop. George my friend, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but thisi is still a good mop. Sometimes, you just have to take what life gives you. Cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, you just gotta clean it out, you put it in there and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes, sometimes, dirt sticks to the floor so bad, you know that mop, a mop just....it's not good enough...You have to get in there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub! You've got to really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta stand right up and gotta run to the window and yell, "Hey, these floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!

Now, how can I argue with truth like that? Forrest Gump, eat your heart out. Life's not just a box of chocolate. Mmmmm.... Chocolate.

Remember, don't take life too seriously. It helps to deal with the irony.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: Stanley Spadowski, 80's movies, cogitations

My friend Thomas

http://theamat.gaia.com — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 01:02:17 GMT

Thomas is a poet on Zaadz that I've recently become acquanted with. I usually don't point out people like this, but Thomas sent me a poem which I felt merited some special attention.

First, let me say, it was LONG. When I first got his friend invitation 4 months ago, I quickly opened it, scanned the contents and said - "when can I finish all that, buddy?".... fortunately I did not dismiss it entirely - I kept it. I've been very spotty on Zaadz and I wanted to make a point this year of really giving Zaadz a larger commitment. After all, I started out pretty strong, I opened up the florida Zaadz group for people to mingle, I've even made good friends here, face to face. There is so much potential. So, to start this month off right, I took a second look at that email.

I took the time to read the poem. Every word. I pictured everything in my mind, like a story and just kept going. This is rare for me, as I don't generally have the patience for poetry. I'm reminded too much of the works of Dr Seuss and it makes me feel a little silly. But this poem was very touching. I wanted to give a blurb here and introduce you all to it because it's the kind of poem that give me hope that there are other people out there who feel the way I feel. He's just better at saying it, is all.

When peace is found one heart at a time.

The nations will follow down the line.

For when you realize you are your brother.

You can no longer hurt one another.

REMEMBER these words when you go to your jobs tomorrow, when you order your food at the restaurant, when you honk your horn at the slow driver, and ESPECIALLY when you vote.

Thank you Thomas, and please keep writing those lovely rhymes.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: peace, friends, poetry

TAGGED

http://theamat.gaia.com — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 23:25:05 GMT

I've been tagged. And it's funny, I was just reading Obi's blog with him saying that he was tagged and I thought - "what the heck does it mean to be tagged?" .... so thank you Tracy for tagging me. Never been tagged before.   Here's his blog on being tagged.

Ok, first the rules (apparently there are rules to being tagged. Who knew?)

1) Link to the person's blog who tagged you. (Done, see above)

2) Post these rules on your blog.

3) List seven random and/or wierd facts about yourself.

4) Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

5) Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

____________________________________________

Thea's wierd facts:

1) I don't eat wheat or wheat derived products. This is not by choice but by necessity. My body does not process the wheat very well, so I am on a strict "gluten free" diet. Consequently, I have lost some weight that I've been trying to take off for years - but when they pass the bread basket, I want to tear someone's arm off. Oh well.

2) I love studying social deviancy.   Call it a fetish of mine. I just love to see how people tick, why gangs form, why kids are truant, why people drink and smoke and do all those little nasty things that say "damn the Man." Therefore, I seem to be attracted to deviant people - that's not an invitation, just a notation.

3) I hate phones. I'm the last person who would ever say "oh, I'm calling just to chat." What is 'chatting' anyway? It's like somone had this generic phone call back in the day and it kept repeating itself over and over. "Hello? Yes I'm fine, how are you? Yes, kids are fine too. Works good. It's cold there? It's warm here. Yup. Well, nice talking, bye!" What was all that for, really, except to wipe 10 minutes off of your boredome? Really. It took 3 years before my significant other could even get me to CARRY a phone. I hate the thing. Now we're talking blackberries, so I can get phone AND email messages that don't do anything. Wonderful.

4) I've never broken a bone.

5) My name cannot be pronounced in spanish, which is wierd because both of my parents and all of my relatives are Puerto Rican. It's the TH you see. You can't say Cynthia in spanish because there's no TH. Over the years, it's morphed into Sindia, Sylvia, Cindi.... I've asked my mother why she would do such a thing, she just said that it sounded pretty. How would she know? She couldn't pronounce it.

6) As an added corollary, I don't have a middle name. Both of my sisters have one, but not me. I can't think of one of my spanish relatives that DOESN'T have a middle name. It comes with the heritage - spanish people ALWAYS have more than first and last. My mother told me once that Cynthia (as well as being unpronounceable) was too long for a middle name. Of course it was. But my sister Yolanda Ivette should have no problems with a lengthy title like that. Perhaps my mother was too busy trying to pronounce my first name to think of a middle name. The world may never know.

7) I don't understand lesbians. Don't get me wrong, I like all types of people, and I have many gay friends and family. My best friend is a lesbian.... I just don't get lesbians. I mean, I'll take a guy over a girl any day. Even a dull guy is so much easier to get along with than a girl. Most girls I know are so high maintenance. Back me up on this guys. Between the hair, the weight issues, the SHOES!!!! Omigod, the friggen shoes.   Nope, I just don't get girls. I'm a girl, sure, but I'm not THAT much of a girl. I do my own hair, I don't paint gunk on my nails unless I have to, I have 4 - 5 pair of shoes (multi occasional), I don't bring tissues to movies... in comparison, guys can be so ZEN.

Ok, so there you have it - seven wierd little factoids about little ol me. Now.... who shall I tag?

Matthew's always a good choice.
Burt, the Dreamkeeper
Clovis, our Ugandan Prince
Artist X.... who is this guy?
Manisha!!! I miss you, honey. Big hugs to you and yours.
Alex, been a while! Hope you're doing well
Truth will set you free.

Tags: tag, wierd facts

Practicing Non-Ado

http://theamat.gaia.com — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 21:24:57 GMT

I read a passage from the Tao Teh Ching today that began a familiar reminder in my mind of things I tend to forget. I find during reading that I never get much past the first two pages because my mind is so full of commentary about the subject matter. Needless to say, I'm no master at emptying my mental 'tea cup'. However, it does help me to concretize my thoughts about life in general, at least in the moment, if I just think about each page. Consequently, I hardly ever finish a book.

My greatest failing is not implementing what I know to be true, usually by letting my desires and emotions get the better of me, just like most people do. I don't know if admitting that out loud is courageous or commonly stupid. Anyway, it's out there, so I may as well proceed. Perhaps if I write these moments of clarity down, something may stick in the brain pan.

Anyway, here's the passage with following commentary and thoughts.

By not exalting the talented you will cause the people to cease from rivalry and contention.
By not prizing goods hard to get, you will cause the people to cease from robbing and stealing.
By not displaying what is desirable, you will cause the people's hearts to remain undisturbed.

Therefore, the Sage's way of governing begins by
Emptying the heart of desires
Filling the belly with food
Weakening the ambitions
Toughening the bones.

In this way he will cause the people to remain without knowledge and without desire, and prevent the knowing ones from any ado.

Practice Non-Ado, and everything will be in order.

Now, I have issues with just about everything in this passage, mostly because I'm a stubborn woman... and that's the kinder way of putting it. But, that's no reason for me not to try to tame my more tangible desires and get to work on myself. So, here are some of my thoughts.

By not exalting the talented..... Well, that's a tough one all round. How do you NOT exalt people? It's almost constitutional to exalt people in this country, even people we hate; not to mention the constant struggle for more than what we've got because they have it. I hate the way people are glorified in the media. I mean, if I see ONE MORE PHOTO of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, I swear I'll go postal in the check out line. But, I realize that as much as I rail against the glorification of movie starlets, I do the same thing. I watch people I want to be like, thinking "oh, if only that were me...", professors, artists, writers, spiritualists, philosophers....I waste alot of time on that, exalting people. We all do. I'm learning a different approach, one where I'm free to think "oh he's cool. Not bad work. How does he do that? " Then I can start to work on the action rather than wallow in self pity. In the Tao, you just do. Simple. (wow, that's so Yoda.)

By not prizing goods..... Before I stopped to really analyze this one, I didn't think I prized goods. I said to myself, I have my little nick nacks, but nothing too glorified. I'm not a clothes hog, I own less than 3 pairs of dress shoes and I lead a pretty simple life. But I'm highly territorial. As little as I own, I don't like people messing with it. I don't even like to share art supplies. I have to know where all the caps are to the erasers, where every ruler is, I have to have e a clean table, yada yada yada. I have to have my own music at work and at home, my own section of books, my own spot on the bed.... I'm horrid. But if I could just loosen up a bit, I could stop feeling so thwarted about my kids lounging in my special chair, or the fact that my table is messy, or that someone is wearing my special fuzzy socks without asking.... That's something to work on.

By not displaying what is desirable.... I'm guilty, SOOO guilty of this. Especially when I dress. I love showcasing myself. It helps me to control my bouts of feeling not pretty. But it's more than that. I display my intellect and talents the same way - woo hoo, look what I've got! And if I feel unacknowledged, I become such a petulant child about it! I quit at everything because I'm too invested in what others think of me. If I could only just focus on doing rather than having people see me do what I do, I'd do alot more of what I want to do. Don't worry if you're confused, that's normal in situations where I'm talking.

When I die, I want to know I've lead a FULL LIFE, even if that's tomorrow or when I'm 104. I don't have TIME for my own desires and wants. A sage like existence is not one of apathy, but of joy of living, as an action. Life is only good if it's lived. While reliving the past, we cannot move forward. By worrying or dreaming about the future, we can't appreciate today, much less fix today's set of problems. It's the doing that people remember. My family will not remember all of the times I thought about them, they will remember what I DID for them.

I will most probably forget about this little hiccup of lucidity in an hour when I can't have milk with my cookie or when deal with someone who acts with as much emotional disregard as I usually do. But there is the off chance that this will stick when I'm feeling that meditative state where it's just me and the doing of something that needs to be done. No peers, no Angelina, no critics, no kids, no Yoda, no worries. In that moment is my entire life.

I'm very happy to have written all of this down in this particular moment. I'll stop now.

Namaste
Thea

Tags: desire, self, life, tao, cogitations

Abuelita

http://theamat.gaia.com — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:07:36 GMT

Paula Sousa, my beautiful Abuelita (grandmother), left us yesterday, August 19th 2007 at about 3:30pm, N.Y.

This is the first time I've had to deal with the real grief of losing a family member. There have been others over the years, but no one so personal to my childhood, who affected my state of being. She bathed me, cared for me, loved me. I wanted so much to see her again before she died.

This picture was taken in 2004. She met my kids and my spouse. She looked happy. She remembered me; we watched spanish television, silly novelas that I dutifully paid attention to and asked questions about because she loved to watch them so much. I visited her again in 2005 - she was not doing as well at that time, but my visits were still regular for that week. I sat by her, watched the t.v., commented on the stories... but we never TALKED. It was like I was brain dead or something; I never knew what to tell her except: yeah, I'm fine, kids are fine, we all love you alot, ok, well it's been fun, see you next year. There was no next year. That was the last time I saw her. Now, I'm kicking my own ass.

I did the typical granddaughter thing - I saw all the sights, ate all the food, celebrated my vacation, saw family - and I spent some time with Abuela. That's what you do when you visit family, you spend some time. Now, I wish that I had not visited one stupid museum, that I had spent every moment by her side for the short seven days I was there, because there will be no more visits to her bedside. Now, all I have to look forward to is to see her final resting place, buried in the same cemetary as my grandfather, right next to her old building in the Bronx. I used to watch the tombstones as we drove past on our way to visit her every Saturday when I was a kid. So many tombstones, so many wives, husbands, kids. I never thought about it that way before. Cemetaries have never felt personal until now.

I can't say that I knew Paula, the person. She was Abuela. But she had a life before me, as hard as that is for me to fathom right now. She had her own parents, her own childhood, her own grandmother to lose. She was also a young girl, a girlfriend, a lover, a wife, a mother, an employee...... I don't know if she was satisfied with her life. I don't know if she wished for more or got just enough. I don't know what her dreams were, what she wanted for us. All I know is that she loved us. That has to be enough. I will never know the rest because, in hindsight, I was too stupid and lazy to ask.

She was old. She was tired. We knew that her time was going to be soon. No one in the world was as loved as she was. She survived her husband, my grandfather, by 30 years and never remarried. My father was the oldest of 10 children. She lost one baby in childbirth and one son to the streets of New York. All the others survived and thrived, bringing up families of their own. I am but one in a long list of grand children - but I still think of Abuelita as my own patron, an exclusive entity that was put on this earth for my peace of mind, to make sure that I had a dollar in my pocket, a band-aid on my skinned knee, and a piece of candy whenever I asked. And now that she's not there, I feel this burning desire to know her, every inch of her, and to tell everyone I know about what she meant to me, to show my tears proudly in public places, to say to strangers - my grandmother died on August 19th 2007. Her name was Paula.

Do you know what hurts the most? It's knowing that her apartment in the Bronx will have another resident. Someone will sleep in her room, someone will cook in her kitchen. Someone else will wait at the hall window looking down for visitors to buzz into the building. But, I comfort myself in knowing another family will grow in that place some day. This will probably be my last visit to her apartment in the Bronx. We will look through pictures, we will remember her laughter, discipline, and spirit. We will all cry - and then we will all get on planes and trains and scatter to the four winds and hope that we will keep in touch. It will be more difficult without our matriarch. But one day, it will be my job to be that for my kids. My grandkids will not know about my life other than to come over for their money, their band aids and their candy. And I will be comforted knowing that I am filling much bigger shoes, even if I don't do it well.

I love you Abuela. And I miss you. I am sorry I didn't get to know more about you, but I will have you in my heart always. As is my blogging tradition, I dedicate this song to you - Alanis, I hope you do not mind my borrowing your words, as I have none left to write that are as eloquent and sincere.

Namaste
Cindy (Thea)

Heart of the House - Alanis Morissette

You are the original template
You are the original exemplary
How seen were you, actually?
How revered were you, honestly, at the time?
Why pleased with your low maintenance?
You loved us more than we could of loved you back.
Where was your ally, your partner in feminine crime?
Oh mother, who's your buddy?
Oh mother, who's got your back?

The heart of the house
The heart of the house.
All hail the goddess.

You were "good ole"
You were "count on 'er 'til four a.m."
You saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramatically.
Oh mother, who's your sister?
Oh mother, who's your friend?

The heart of the house.
The heart of that house.
All hail the goddess.

We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like women to women would
womyn to womyn would.
"where did you get that from? must've been your father, your dad."
"I got it from you, I got it from you".

Do you see yourself in my gipsy garage sale ways?
In my fits of laughter?
In my tinkerbell tendencies?
In my lack of color coordination?

Tags: abuela, family, death, grief, cogitations

Chaos

http://theamat.gaia.com — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 17:18:53 GMT

Words of the week: Virginia Tech.

I spent the better part of my morning looking over the short biographies that TIME magazine has set up for the victims of the VT murders.

Media frenzies have devoured the killers last words, words of a twisted megolomaniac, enraged enough to blame the world for all of his pain and suffering. Narcisism, nihilism, anomie, depression, deviancy, senseless death. They're all just words.... just words. They are symbols for a feeling, a subjective viewpoint that to the rest of us seems black and cold, something that is just not right in the world.

Still, when I look at the crime itself.... I feel no great sense of lamentation. It saddens me, yes, that those bright and vibrant people died. But at some point, my mind began compensating for the senselessness. "these things happen." They have never happened to me - thank the gods. And they have probably not happened to you, thank whatever you like for that. But there is a part of me, a very small part, that views this incident with a touch of normalcy. There are times when that comes in handy - I wish that this were not one of them. I want to feel the distress in my mind and heart. The world is deadening my sense of good.

I can only guess about a fraction of what the families of the dead must be going through right now. I'm too busy making sure that my work is getting done, that my notes are together for my exams, that my children are safely tucked away from harm. And that same small part that can only observe the tradgedy in this cold, clinical space, wants to be freed from the insanity of the world. Natural death is normal. Accidental death is unfortunate. But something like this.... I don't know what to think or say or write. I feel empty and I want to invite chaos just to feel something other than empty.

So, with that in mind, I would like to dedicate a song to those souls who died on Monday morning, in hopes that they can, in their current form (whatever it may be) invite the chaos and be freed from all of this plastic reality:

Nicole White
Maxine Turner
Leslie G Sherman
Waleed Mohammed Shaalan
Reema J. Samaha
Mary Karen Read
Julia Pryde
Michael Pohle
Erin Peterson
Daniel Perez Cueva
Minal Panchal
Juan Ramon Ortiz
Daniel O'Neil
Lauren McCain
Partahi Lumbantoruan
G.V. Loganathan
Liviu Librescu
Henry Lee
Matthew J LaPorte
Jarrett L. Lane
Emily Jane Hilscher
Rachael Hill
Jeremy Herbstritt
Caitlin Hammaren
Matthew G. Gwaltney
Kevin Granata
Jocelyne Couture-Nowak
Austin Cloyd
Ryan Clark
Brian Bluhm
Christopher James Bishop
Ross Abdallah Alameddine

Namaste to you and your family.

SO CALLED CHAOS - ALANIS MORISSETTE

Deadlines, meetings and contracts all breached
D-days and structure responsibility

Have to's and need to's and get to's by three
Eleventh hours and upset employees

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to who I was meant to be

Hearburn and headaches and soon to be ulcers
Compulsive yearning non stop to please others

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet

All won't be lost if I'm governed by my own uniqueness
Stop lights won't work, I'll get home sound and safe regardless
Won't deem me had if I'm led by my own rulelessness
My fire won't quell and I'll be harm free and distressless
Trust me

Line towing and helping, expectations up to living
Inside box obeying, inside line cutting

I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be weightless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations at the shoes upon my feet
I want to be naked, running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos, that you'd think I dare not be
I want to be wieghtless, flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to who I was meant to be

Tags: virginia tech, chaos, murder, lamentation, cogitations