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cogitaiton
September 2008 
On falling off wagons
Posted on Aug 12th, 2008
by 
Thea
Thea
I haven't been back to Gaia to record my thoughts for about a month now. Thankfully, all of my friends here seem to have gotten along well without me present and I hope you are all doing well.
I haven't been as wonderful as I'd like. I've let my shadow run amuck in ways that it has not in a very long time and have been working through some issues that have to do with my teenage years. Although I have not felt the stinging pain of those years for quite some time, I was recently and abruptly reminded that all of my shadow, all of my angst, all of my suffering is still very present in me and waits for an opportunity to show itself when ignored.
And I have been doing a large bit of ignoring. I had quit my meditation practice because I thought I was doing just fine. I had quite my introspection because of how busy I was. I had quit being me because I was too busy being me.
When I was 16 years old, I sat across from my father at our kitchen table and felt the full force of his dissapointment in me. And today, 20 years later, I still feel that dissapointment. I still feel the ache from hurting a man who is a gentle person, although misguided, and did not deserve the pain he suffered for my behavior. I've, apparently, not finsihed blaming myself for this strife in my life and it has opened me up to unconciously seeking more guilt and strife in my life through the years. I never saw the pattern - I do now.
The funny thing is, even if someone had pointed out the pattern directly to me, I would not have been able to see or accept it until now. I've been running on empty for so long - I've felt guilt, remorse, an array of self loathing and constant self deprication for so long that I forgot to forgive myself. I still can't, not fully and completely. It is ironic to me that I have so much compassion for so many others, but I cannot seem to have that compassion for myself. I cannot bring myself to forgive that girl of 16, nor can I fully forgive the woman of 36.
My errors are great and numerous. I need the time to seek out those parts of myself that I have disowned or hidden away. My husband said my shadow was like a closet to full to open. I could crack it open to see what's inside, but, inevitibly, all of the emotion will come tumbling out when I do. It will be difficult, but I will take it day by day.
I'm going back to INTEGRAL work. I've begun my meditaion again, daily. I will work on my shadow in hopes of being better for myself and those around me.
Although I speak to the general congregation of Gaia when I write these words, it is mostly to the great void that I speak, to reaffirm my conviction, or what little conviction I can muster. It must be enough.
Song for the day:
Limbo no more
Alanis Morrisette
My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite
Nothings been clear
Nothings been in
Nothings felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more.
My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
all the more feels indefinite.
I sit with filled frames
ant books and my dogs at my feet
my friends by my side
my past in a heap
thrown out most of my things
only kept what I need to carve
something consistent and notably me
Tattoo on my skin
my teachers in heart
my house is a home
something at last I can feel a part of
sense of myself
my purpose is clear
my roots in the ground
something at last I can feel a part of
something aligned
to finally commit
somewhere to belong
I'm ready to be limbo no more
my wisdom applied
a firm foundation
a vow to myself
I'm ready to be limbo no more.
I haven't been as wonderful as I'd like. I've let my shadow run amuck in ways that it has not in a very long time and have been working through some issues that have to do with my teenage years. Although I have not felt the stinging pain of those years for quite some time, I was recently and abruptly reminded that all of my shadow, all of my angst, all of my suffering is still very present in me and waits for an opportunity to show itself when ignored.
And I have been doing a large bit of ignoring. I had quit my meditation practice because I thought I was doing just fine. I had quite my introspection because of how busy I was. I had quit being me because I was too busy being me.
When I was 16 years old, I sat across from my father at our kitchen table and felt the full force of his dissapointment in me. And today, 20 years later, I still feel that dissapointment. I still feel the ache from hurting a man who is a gentle person, although misguided, and did not deserve the pain he suffered for my behavior. I've, apparently, not finsihed blaming myself for this strife in my life and it has opened me up to unconciously seeking more guilt and strife in my life through the years. I never saw the pattern - I do now.
The funny thing is, even if someone had pointed out the pattern directly to me, I would not have been able to see or accept it until now. I've been running on empty for so long - I've felt guilt, remorse, an array of self loathing and constant self deprication for so long that I forgot to forgive myself. I still can't, not fully and completely. It is ironic to me that I have so much compassion for so many others, but I cannot seem to have that compassion for myself. I cannot bring myself to forgive that girl of 16, nor can I fully forgive the woman of 36.
My errors are great and numerous. I need the time to seek out those parts of myself that I have disowned or hidden away. My husband said my shadow was like a closet to full to open. I could crack it open to see what's inside, but, inevitibly, all of the emotion will come tumbling out when I do. It will be difficult, but I will take it day by day.
I'm going back to INTEGRAL work. I've begun my meditaion again, daily. I will work on my shadow in hopes of being better for myself and those around me.
Although I speak to the general congregation of Gaia when I write these words, it is mostly to the great void that I speak, to reaffirm my conviction, or what little conviction I can muster. It must be enough.
Song for the day:
Limbo no more
Alanis Morrisette
My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite
Nothings been clear
Nothings been in
Nothings felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more.
My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
all the more feels indefinite.
I sit with filled frames
ant books and my dogs at my feet
my friends by my side
my past in a heap
thrown out most of my things
only kept what I need to carve
something consistent and notably me
Tattoo on my skin
my teachers in heart
my house is a home
something at last I can feel a part of
sense of myself
my purpose is clear
my roots in the ground
something at last I can feel a part of
something aligned
to finally commit
somewhere to belong
I'm ready to be limbo no more
my wisdom applied
a firm foundation
a vow to myself
I'm ready to be limbo no more.
Access: Public
I had this similar situation like you.. and what i have learned is that,
we are marvelous beings… so much so that we tend to forget what we are and what others mean to us… ego is such a bad thing; it's almost like Love (only less powerful :-) it blinds us wholly and we do things that we think will get away with but tend to return to the same thing that we did to others….
The only escape route is to sow good seeds… and pray in-between untill they fruit….
Clearly and honesty, you captured a common but rarely understood part of our process. You held it in your hand, turned it, and described it in full detail without becoming clinical, and that is even more notable given that the object could be described as your heart. People who are not yet there won't connect, true, but you've managed to put it in such a way that those who are conscious that they are always growing will still be able to relate it, and resonate with it.
Thank you.