My Patron Evita

I have two sisters.  It's strange to me, calling them sisters.  My family and I have been estranged for many years and being that I do not really know much about my sisters anymore, nor of their children, it seems to me that they should fall into a less familial category.  But they are still my sisters, to this day.  They are the children that I grew up with, we share DNA, parents, the same latin temperament that I keep complaining about, etc.

I don't think on them often, not out of choice but out of habit.  It's my mind's way of keeping on point.  You can't over agonize the past without having it haunt your present, and anything that is their subconciously is going to be a problem anyway, so I may as well let it come up when it feels like it.  This morning I awoke from a very strange and disturbing dream about dying pet sharks and buckets and going back to school.... never mind.  The point is that when those types of dreams occur, when I wake up feeling that sense of unrest, I try to pay attention to what my mind plays with during the day.  And this morning, it's been playing with Evita.

I've never seen the movie or the play.  That's another irony of my life, growing up in New York, the theatre capital of the world, and not seeing this play.  I know the lyrics of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" from a 70's disco remake that I listened to as a kid.  I loved that record.  That is the version that has been playing on a loop in my head all morning.  I tried to remember the words, but I couldn't recall them, just this awful 70's disco beat pounding in my temples. 

Words are so important, they slide into your mind like silverfish looking for cold dark places to hide, especially in childhood, and most securly through song and rhyme.  I could only remember snippets, but It reminded me of being very young, of brown shag carpets, tube televisions, fried pork chops, New York City on the East River, and - my sisters. 

By this point in the thinking process, I knew I was on to something, a connection between myself, my sisters, and the song I remembered from so long ago.  I took a dive into my subconciouse, googled the lyrics and voila - now I know why my mind is restless. 

To Brenda & Ivette:  This song is dedicated to my sisters, who are estranged from me physically, but not from my heart and mind.  We will always be sisters.  I love you both very much, even though you are not here to say the same or to share in mutual trials and triumphs.  I hope these words will seep in and hide in your minds as they have mine.

Dont Cry For me Argentina

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I've done.

You won't believe me.
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she's dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you.

I had to let it happen, I had to change.
Couldn't stay all my life down at heal
Looking our of the window, staying our of the sun

So I chose freedom
Running around, trying everything new
but nothing impressed me at all.
I never expected it to.

Don't cry for me Argentina.
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence.
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance.

And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired.

They are illusions.
They are not the solutions they promised to be.
The answer was here all the time.
I love you and hope you love me.

Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true.

Namaste
Thea/Eva