This is the anthem that has the republican base chanting in unison?  Why?  I'm not seeing the big picture here. 

Or perhaps I am, on a smaller scale - Alaska.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a governor or a senator) to see that bringing oil drilling to Alaska is bringing money into many families there;  families that feel they need a break, after all.  They want to prosper and the best and most efficient way to do that is to open up Alaska for drilling and bring in the money to do it from our collective national wallet.  It's understandable.  Inefficient and totally wreckless, but understandable.  

Let me segway here and call a spade a spade.  The only reason Palin is on the ticket is to get that all important sound bite and push this agenda.  I can smell a soundbite of the day from a mile off and she's had some pretty good ones.  Can Obama really attack her?  No.  He can't treat her like she's at the top of the ticket, but she can snipe as much as possible with a smile on her face.  Believe me, I understand, McCain's playing the politic game.  I really thought better of him until now, but that's another blog for another time.  The point is, no matter how good she looks in lipstick, It doesn't mask the greater issue - should we be talking hockey or about whether it's wise to put money into more oil in our own back yard?

Wouldn't it be much more reasonable to go over to alternative an renewable energy resources now? to put all that tax money to finding new and efficient ways to power all of our gadgets and gizmos?  There is not enough oil to last us anyway, why bother?  Oh, so we can end our dependency on the middle east?  Aren't we already IN the middle east?  That would have been a great idea - about ten years ago when we weren't so ENTRENCHED in the middle east. - just not billions of dollars later.  

So the basic premise from the republican platform as I understand it is this - go to the middle east, cause some havoc, cut all of our international ties to play cowboys and indians, spend all our money, then say we don't need what they got and then cause some more havoc over here by electing a beauty queen vice president, spending more money on oil platforms that may add to our problem of global warming and make MY state and coastal city, along with a whole bunch of ther cities on the east and west coast uninhabitable, so that Alaskans can go ice fishing with a full bank account?!?  COME ON!!!!  Really?!?

Look, let me put it to you this way - there is an opportunity for drilling in Alaska. There is further opportunity for jobs in Alaska, fiscal growth, etc.... but what about the other coastal areas?  Should New York, Miami, Louisianna and every other coastal city just suck it up and watch as our communities drown so that the Alaskans can have their fiscal growth? 

50 years, people.  That's the current projection for the melt down.  To put it in a much more direct analogy - picture you have 50 years to live.  You have 50 candy bars.  For every candy bar you bite into, you take off one year of life.  How many do you plan to eat?  None?  Just one won't hurt?  Well, that's how I feel about drilling.   It will most definately hurt us in the long run.  If we want energy independence, we need the discipline for it, not more of the oil that has gotten us into the global warming predicament that we've known about since the 1930's. 

And, on the heels of Governor Palin swooping back into Alaska and giving her speech (for a second time) here is a headline from the Herald Tribune:  SEX, DRUG USE AND GRAFT ALLEGED IN US INTERIOR DEPARTMENT

"  As Congress prepares to debate expansion of drilling in taxpayer owned coastal waters, the Interior Department agency that collects oil and gas royalties has been caught up in a wide ranging ethics scandal including allegations of financial self dealing, accepting gifts from energy companies, cocaine use and sexual misconduct."

Oil people and government literally in bed together? Guess this gives a new meaning to "drill baby drill."  

So sorry guys, but I'm not bending over for easy access on this one. 

I haven't been back to Gaia to record my thoughts for about a month now.  Thankfully, all of my friends here seem to have gotten along well without me present and I hope you are all doing well.

I haven't been as wonderful as I'd like.  I've let  my shadow run amuck in ways that it has not in a very long time and have been working through some issues that have to do with my teenage years.  Although I have not felt the stinging pain of those years for quite some time, I was recently and abruptly reminded that all of my shadow, all of my angst, all of my suffering is still very present in me and waits for an opportunity to show itself when ignored. 

And I have been doing a large bit of ignoring.  I had quit my meditation practice because I thought I was doing just fine.  I had quite my introspection because of how busy I was.  I had quit being me because I was too busy being me. 

When I was 16 years old, I sat across from my father at our kitchen table and felt the full force of his dissapointment in me.  And today, 20 years later, I still feel that dissapointment.  I still feel the ache from hurting a man who is a gentle person, although misguided, and did not deserve the pain he suffered for my behavior.  I've, apparently, not finsihed blaming myself for this strife in my life and it has opened me up to unconciously seeking more guilt and strife in my life through the years.  I never saw the pattern - I do now. 

The funny thing is, even if someone had pointed out the pattern directly to me, I would not have been able to see or accept it until now.  I've been running on empty for so long - I've felt guilt, remorse, an array of self loathing and constant self deprication for so long that I forgot to forgive myself.  I still can't, not fully and completely.  It is ironic to me that I have so much compassion for so many others, but I cannot seem to have that compassion for myself.  I cannot bring myself to forgive that girl of 16, nor can I fully forgive the woman of 36. 

My errors are great and numerous.  I need the time to seek out those parts of myself that I have disowned or hidden away.  My husband said my shadow was like a closet to full to open.  I could crack it open to see what's inside, but, inevitibly, all of the emotion will come tumbling out when I do.  It will be difficult, but I will take it day by day. 

I'm going back to INTEGRAL work.  I've begun my meditaion again, daily.  I will work on my shadow in hopes of being better for myself and those around me. 

Although I speak to the general congregation of Gaia when I write these words, it is mostly to the great void that I speak, to reaffirm my conviction, or what little conviction I can muster.  It must be enough.

Song for the day:

Limbo no more
Alanis Morrisette

My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite

Nothings been clear
Nothings been in
Nothings felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more.

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
all the more feels indefinite.

I sit with filled frames
ant books and my dogs at my feet
my friends by my side
my past in a heap
thrown out most of my things
only kept what I need to carve
something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
my teachers in heart
my house is a home
something at last I can feel a part of
sense of myself
my purpose is clear
my roots in the ground
something at last I can feel a part of
something aligned
to finally commit
somewhere to belong
I'm ready to be limbo no more
my wisdom applied
a firm foundation
a vow to myself
I'm ready to be limbo no more.

If there is a day that should be marked on every blog, it's one's birthday.  This is the most opportune time to reflect on life, birth, death, all that good stuff....

So why am I so blase on my birthday?!?  I've gotten a happy birthday from everyone - and I mean everyone.   I even got a birthday card from my local music station 101.5.  And I don't listen to the radio.... weird.

So, I'll succumb to fate and talk about my birthday.  Actually, no.... I don't want to talk about my birth... I was there, I'm sure of it, but it's all so fuzzy.  Let's start with a short description of my childhood.  Today, I was thinking about being 6 - roughly 30 years ago today, I was getting ready to enter first grade.  This wasn't kindergarten.... This was the big time.  I was going to start REAL school.  I don't remember caring for it much.  I remember watching the younger kindergarteners get snack times and nap times and T.V. times... I was stuck with a pencil, a bunch of notebooks that got lost weekly, and some wierd thing called "home work" that my parents insisted I do. 

Life hasn't changed much.

I have a real job.  I'm still stuck with a pencil in my hand, papers that get lost weekly and, yes, I still get, and procrastinate, with homework.  I'm still fighting the good fight for those naps and snacks, though.  


OOOOOHHH.... I got birthday balloons....With lollipops.   I never get birthday balloons, what a treat!  Let the snacking and the napping commence!  Maybe I'll throw in a little TV watching for good measure.  I wonder if Mr Rogers is on.  Ah, I'll settle for Big Bird.

Namaste
Thea

Life is full of shoulda, coulda, woulda moments.   The precious few moments that we share on this planet are filled with regrets.  I don't see this as such a bad thing.  For one thing, I have many things in my life that I do not regret, and without that regret I would have nothing to compare to my high points.... but lately I've been feeling like my high points could be so much higher if I "coulda, shoulda, woulda" done something different with my time. 

This reality forces my hand constantly.  I feel the weight in what I do, I don't want one more moment wasted on regret.  Even the act of regretting, the time spent on it, is too much for me to spare.  I'm 36 years old.  I have all of my regrets to date well cataloged and I have done my lamenting for them.  I have decided, as of this moment, to have less regret, to be more frugal with my train of thought, to be more of what I intend to be. 

My thoughts are with you guys, know I haven't been by much lately to Gaia.... but my mind has taken a detour.... it happens.

My song for the day:

Phil Collins
All of my life

All of my life, Ive been searching
For the words to say how I feel.
Id spend my time thinking too much
And leave too little to say what I mean
Ive tried to understand the best I can
All of my life.

All of my life, Ive been saying sorry
For the things I know I should have done
All the things I could have said come back to me
Sometimes I wish that it had just begun
Seems Im always that little too late
All of my life

Set em up, Ill take a drink with you
Pull up a chair, I think Ill stay
Set em up, cos Im going nowhere
Theres too much I need to remember, too much I need to say

All of my life, Ive been looking
But its hard to find the way
Reaching past the goal in front of me
While whats important just slips away
It doesnt come back but Ill be looking
All of my life

Set em up...

All of my life, there have been regrets
That I didnt do all I could
Making records upstairs, while he watched tv
I didnt spend the time I should
Its a memory I will live with
All of my life.

It's been a while since I was reminded of my good fortune, stumbling onto Zaadz/Gaia when I did.  I was recently emailed to re-establish my ambassador status for Gaia and I am so happy that I was given the opportunity in the first place because this is really the best site for bloggers that I've ever been on. 

In recent headlines today, I read about a young girl who commit suicide after being victimized by a "cyber bully", a woman who friended this young, impressionable girl, masquerading as a 16 year old boy, only to reject her. 

I shudder to think what her parents must be feeling right now.  I wish she had been here instead of myspace.  I cannot imagine that happening here on Gaia, ever.  This is the only place online where I don't feel hassled to buy, spammed to death, where I think my kids will be safe and enjoy the comraderie, etc. 

I recently heard a similar, but not as drastic, story from my 19 year old ward - (yes, I actually have a ward, isn't that wierd?) She has a myspace account too.  She was friends with someone she met at a job.  My friend and this girl had some sort of fight and eventually it degenerated into this other person writing false accusations on her myspace account and posting my ward's picture and giving personal information about her with a link to HER page.  Isn't that terrible?  I can't imagine doing that to someone, embarrasing them, making them feel so victimized.  It's a harsh cyber-reality, I suppose, I am just happy that it's not reality here.

I wanted to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU GUYS for being such great people and making this place, this small community online, where we can discuss, explore and be the change.  I implore you - Invite more people of like mind.  Make more friends.  Bring in young people, because they will learn from our example of comraderie and friendship and will not be victimized out there in cyberspace. 

My thoughts and emotions go out to the girl's family and to the woman who victimized her. 

Namaste
Thea

Ok, so it's Earth day.  Every April 22nd since the 70's, there has been an Earthday.... This isn't exactly new, although it is, relatively speaking, very young compared to some of our other annual celebrations - for example, the 4th of July in the U.S. has been celebrated for over 200 years - Earth day for a whopping 38 years. 

I was born in the 70's, so you would think that I would know alot more about Earthday, but sadly, it's not the kind of holiday we're used to 'celebrating' through large displays of consumerism, so most of us are at a loss.  It's more like an annual reminder to think of something other than our own lives, work, bank accounts, etc.... how many people do you know who like to do that?   

Christmas is like that too: peace on earth, goodwill toward man - at least for this 24 hour period on December 25th.  You can be mean to someone tomorrow when you return that plasma t.v. at your local department store without a receipt. Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get the point.

The original Earth Day concept was the brainchild of Gaylord Nelson, a US Senator of Wisconson and the concept was to start a grassroots demonstration for the environment.  Here's a clip I got from the Wiki article I read this morning:

Five months before the first April 22 Earth Day, on Sunday, November 30 1969, the New York Times carried a lengthy article by Gladwin Hill reporting on the rising tide of environmental events:
"Rising concern about the environmental crisis is sweepeing the nation's campuses with an intensity that may be on its way to eclipsing student discontent over the war in Vietnam..."

So here's my question:  What happened to all those grass roots people?  Am I just imagining things, or did this whole 'sweeping the nation' thing escape my attention?  I learned about Vietnam in school, I've seen movies and pictures, the feeling about it was (and still is) a very young scar.  However, I have spoken to quite a few people this morning, and truth to be told, not one of them knows it's Earth Day. 

Can you imagine forgetting Easter?  Christmas?  A loved one's birthday?  I can't even use the excuse of "well it's only been around for 38 years...."  I've been around for less and I remember my birthday, my kids birthday, I remember all the other holidays.... What gives?   Sure, we've had concerts in the park and alot more education on global climate, but our current problems in the U.S. are starting to mount - water shortages, increase in destructive weather, pollution, suburban sprawl, etc.  I don't think I'm being overly negative here, I can see that America is using more not less.  And we're complaining about it too!    Anyone talk about gas prices today?  I know I did. 

I think Earth day needs a custom.... You know, a tradition of sorts.  Christmas, we put up the lights, Thanksgiving we eat a turkey, birthdays we get stuff.... But none of these things seem to fit with the entire point of Earthday.  We celebrate things by consuming more things.  Wouldn't it be appropriat to choose NOT to consume something? 

We can treat this like a New Years Eve thing where we all choose one "thing" to really cut out, like fast food, 1 hour of tv a day for this year, less paper at the office, recycling, that type of thing. 

I went to the Earth Day "official site" and it said the best thing to do today is to call my local representatives to bring attention to climate change.  That's a start, I suppose.  But I think that having a more personal and sacrificial gesture is in order.  Events and volunteer opportunities are great, but how about just shutting off the water?  The T.V.? The computer?  How about REALLY making an effort to recycle some of your stuff? 

Here's a cool little site that I was sent to this morning, and I love the concept.... The Freecycle Network is a website where you can meet up with other people to trade stuff.  Not buy stuff, trade stuff.  "It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills". 

How's that for a start this year?  Get reused stuff.  Don't go to the store and get more of what you don't need.  Save your money.  Save the gas.  Save the desk that some guy doesn't have room for and save the planet in the process.  One less purchase at the discount store means one less product processed, one less piece of product to toss out. 

Here's the deal - All these factories and cars and homes and conveniences run on the fuel we provide through consuming it.  We fuel it all -  And as long as we keep fueling it, it will continue to grow, like a tumor.  Pretty soon, the only thing that there wil be room for is all the stuff we keep producing.  All I'm asking everyone to do it go to this site and sign up for Earth Day and the next time you think you need something, go there first.  That's it. 

Anyway, that's my two cents.  I hope I get change back from you this time.  Comment, comment, and please comment.

Namaste
Thea

Ok, so I'm assuming that we all went to the bathroom at some point today, and after watching shows like National Geographic's Human Footprint and reading magazines on global warming, I am now seeing a much bigger picture of what it means to leave a footprint on the Earth....  and I did not realize how much of a footprint I'm personally leaving on my favorite environment - the ocean and coral reefs.

Here's a whopper of a factoid - 7500 gallons of water is used per household per month in Florida.  That's an average of 250 gallons a day PER HOUSE.  Anyone who's ever been to Florida knows that this is the suburb capital.  Between the track housing and the high rise condos, there are alot of toilets in this area.  And most of us never stop to think what happens to that water when we flush, when we brush our teeth, when we take a shower.... but can we, the already financially strapped citizens of Florida afford to fix this?  Can we afford NOT to fix this?

I've posted to two discussion groups on this issue because, bottom line, we're either going to kill ourselves with pollution or we're going to kill ourselves from the financial strain of fixing this particular problem  Check out South Florida Gaia or Climate Change.  You can comment here or comment on the pods - but please comment. 

This morning I was reminded, in no uncertain terms, that it is my duty and responsibility to think of ways of making the world a little better, a little safer.  I was having a conversation with my husband about my thoughts about life and the continuation of life in the universe, even should the worst happen and the asteroid hit, the supervolcano erupt, the global climate finally break down to destroy all that has been built so far to date....  This is getting a little gloomy, let me elaborate.

Let me go on record as saying that I'm not an optimist.  It's in my personality to think of the worst case scenario in any given situation and run with it.  It comes from being told from a very early age that the world will come to an end within my lifetime and truly believing that until my early twenties.  Yes, my upbringing was strange.  I've often been told it's a miracle I'm as well adjusted as I pretend to be. 

Anyway, since I discovered things like cable and National Geographic, I've been fascinated with learning about all the different ways the earth could be destroyed.  I'm sure many other people have this particular hobby, all of you crazy nihilist out their raise your hands.  Yes, I know you're out there, come on, you can admit it.  Ok, so I'm a weirdo, but this type of thinking occupies my mind often.  I've tried to treat it the way a samurai would, looking at all the ways it could all end and being ok with it.  I mean, what can I do about an asteroid?  If it happens, it happens. 

So you can imagine my surprise at having a different seed planted in my mind this morning from such an unlikely source as my husband, who's known me for ten years (you get so used to people, you don't expect to have them surprise you with things you didn't think about before).  He said that it would be a moral failureof the human race to allow our own extinction given the level of intellect we possess.  If we can build bombs, rocket ships, submarines, airplanes, etc., we should be concentrating on all of these problems of extinction, finding ways to divert asteroids, study magma chambers and curing the common cold.  He is much more intelligent in his speech, so it only took half the car ride for him to convince my stubborn brain to cooperate.  I was surprised that he firmly believes this... and to some extent, I do too, although I have my doubts that the human race can pull it out of the hat. 

It is somewhat disturbing to me that my lack of faith in my fellow man runs very deep.  I hear so much talk going on, but I know that people, in general, are so stuck in their own worlds of drama, t.v. and junk food that they literally won't know what hit them.  And despite my own high minded ideals, I find my own lack of action as irredeemable as everyone else's lack of forethought.  Yes, I take the time to think about these things, but what, in fact, am I doing?  I'm not building a fusion generator or a CO2 collector.  I'm not out searching for a cure for cancer.  I'm not an astronomer looking for super asteroids.  I'm not studying tectonic plates.  Sure, I KNOW all of this stuff, but what am I doing with it?

And then I'm reminded of what I can do.  I can talk about it with people.  I can make them see it with me.  I can transmit all of this stuff, this trivia of knowledge, to anyone who wants to listen or read.  I can think, as thinking leads to the doing.  Kind of a precursor, but you get the idea.  Yes, to some extent, I'm an armchair activist.  I sit here and think about everything from animal sociology to the movement of the stars.... but that has it's purpose too. 

Who else is going to do it, if not me?  and some day, maybe an idea will come that will be put to good application in the greater community, if I am brave enough to follow through by example.  Perhaps my best goal it to get people to just THINK. 

But how does one create a grass roots movement to get people really thinking and learning? I know most of the people reading this think already, it's the nature of a small group of intellectuals that makes places like Gaia exist.  How do we spread this infection of thinking?  How do we get to the 75% of people who are content to sit at home have nothing to do with thinking?  I see it happen when I talk to people.  No matter how impassioned the speech, how interesting the concepts, all they hear is "yada, yada, yada" and it's back to Nieman Marcus and the latest Survivor episode. 

I guess I'll have to think about this some more; lately I've felt very much like I've been preaching to the choir.... I'd like to expand the area of like minded people to those who believe they have nothing better to think about.

I just have to maintain faith that we can figure it out before the asteroid hits Yellowstone and we're all screwed.

Namaste
Thea

In reading the Tao today, I had certain thoughts come to me that I did not want to escape through common daily activities and it occurred to me to write them down, as it often does…..And I asked myself, why?  Why am I writing all of this down?  Although it’s rare of me to review my journaling and be surprised at the person who is writing these thoughts down at the time they were being written, it does not occur to me review my journals often enough to call it a habit. Regardless, I feel a need to write down all of these little insights, in hopes that someone will get some use from them someday. I’m sure that most writers feel this way sometimes, carefully addressing their imaginary public, hoping that someone will be able to benefit from their honest, but sometimes inane, ponderings. If that weren’t the case, we wouldn’t have things like books, newspapers, magazines and, as luck would have it, bloggs and the Tao.

My reading of the Tao has become a habit of sorts.  I come home and sit next to my bedroom window and contemplate what the words mean to me specifically. I’m not brash enough to believe that I would understand anyone else’s meaning on anything, regardless of the content, as I accept as true that most communication is largely intuitive. In other words, I don’t expect to be able to really understand anything the first time because all things that are communicated to me are sent through what I like to call the “Thea” filter. I see all things through the lens of my own experience of them; therefore, before I truly understand something I need to understand the context of how it is presented. That being the case, I can assure you that I have only a most BASIC understanding of the Tao. I say this to placate my sense of self deprecation, but also to be more aware of my openness to new ideas and widening the lens of my experience. I invite you to open up your understanding of these words with me.

This is the verse I felt the need to share with you:

25.
There was Something undefined and yet complete in itself,
Born before Heaven and Earth.
Silent and boundless,
Standing alone without change,
Yet pervading all without fail,
It may be regarded as the Mother of the world.
I do not know its name’
I style it “Tao”;
And, in the absence of a better word, call it “The Great”.

To be great is to go on,
To go on is to be far,
To be far is to return.

Hence, “Tao is great,
Heaven is great,
Earth is great,
King is great.”
Thus, the king is one of the great four in the Universe.

Man follows the ways of the Earth.
The Earth follows the ways of Heaven,
Heaven follows the ways of the Tao,
Tao follows its own ways.

Three times I read this. Three times it confused me and thrilled my mind, made me seek out all of my ideas and concepts of God, all of my needs and desires for things that make me feel “good”, my fear of all things that are painful and “bad”; all of my thoughts bent on the why of things, the why of wanting to leave my words for someone or something to see and hear, the URGE to transmit all of my experience and knowledge to some other – WHAT IS THAT?!?! Tao. Just Tao. It is the great wanting to be great, to know itself fully and completely to want to see through all other lenses as clearly as my own, to want to polish the lens of my own experience to see through all that I’ve used to cloud that lens, all of my emotional torments and pleasures. And the pursuit of all this is hopelessly flawed, as there is no one being that I will ever physically point to and say – see, they are all knowing….. Unless I finally admit that those who know are like me and they don’t know, they are just aware that they’re not going to know and ok with the not knowing. Beyond our little minds, there is so much more that grows and thinks and sees beyond ourselves, and that which is also call Tao, God, All, Allah, Whatever…..knows and remembers all because we are part of that which is called Tao and we remember and are remembered by others.

I know, I’m rambling. But, at least I will look back on this entry, when I’m feeling like communicating with myself, and say…..well, I guess I’ll have to find out what I’ll say later, because I can’t think that far ahead. But it’ll be interesting.

Namaste
Thea

Last night I saw a documentary that I want to share with you all. 

The name of the documentary is Killer's Paradise.  The documentary details the horrors faced by women in Guatemala.  Shockingly explicit, so if you do have the opportunity to watch this documentary, please be advised to bring your kleenex.  We're talking about women cut, maimed, decapitated.... and nothing is being done.  These women are being thrown away as prostitutes and gang members - even as young as 12.

Two women are killed in Guatemala DAILY.  The population of Guatemala is only about 15,000, if memory serves.  Not one of the killers has been jailed.  there is no recourse for the family of the victims because none of the crimes are followed up.  Your daughter could be standing out on the street in broad daylight and be kidnapped before your eyes - and the police will not be able to track down the killers.

Unbelievable, I could not believe it, until I saw the families of the victims talk about this.  They cried over the graves and caskets, asked god to take them and leave their children.  I was so enthralled and yet so heartbroken.  

I'd like to invite as many people as possible to watch this documentary and comment especially all of you hispanic women out there.  You cannot watch this and not be affected by the stories.  It's on the documentary channel all next month.  Please follow the link for times in your area.  OR alternatively, if you don't have cable, try Netflix - they always have documentaries.  

Namaste
Thea